


Love Letter

by Rakshi



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Early Work, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-03
Updated: 2011-12-03
Packaged: 2017-10-26 20:05:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/287335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakshi/pseuds/Rakshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elijah is shooting in Vancouver. Sean's in LA. So they try to carry on their relationship in email.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Letter

Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 19:49:49 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

Dearest Lij

You just left, and I have to admit it was pretty hard to see you go. Hard to see your eyes look so sad. You know I can't stand that. Makes me crazy. So, please when you read this, promise you won't feel sad. You said you wanted me to write you email, so I am. But I don't want it to make you feel sad inside.

Occurs to me it's pretty stupid to ask you to promise me something in email. Just don't feel sad. Please.

Actually, you didn't say you wanted me to write to you. You said you wanted me to write you a love letter. God! Why was that so hard for me to write? Had to make myself do it. So much about all this still leaves me feeling confused at times. How can I spend all night in bed with you and then feel embarrassed to say I'm going to write you a love letter? I don't get it. I don't get ME.

So, what's in a love letter? I have to think about it. And right now I can HEAR you saying: 'Astin, you think too fucking MUCH!' But if I don't think about it how will I know what to write? You can jump into this conversation anytime.

AAARRUUGGHH! << Primal scream in case you didn't know.

God, Lij. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

Part of the reason it's hard is that you just left. Hell, your coffee cup is still sitting on the counter. Might even still be warm. Your half-eaten eggs are staring at me. It's like you're in the next room and will walk in any second. Except that you won't.

And when I walk into the bedroom, your stuff will be all over the place. The whole room will smell like you The bed will reek of Elijah. If I put my hands up to my face THEY'LL smell like you. I keep listening for your voice. Just know I'm going to hear it any second. Except that I won't.

I don't like it. It's too much. And it's too hard.

Is this a love letter? All I seem to be doing is whining. I feel lousy. I hate it that you're not here. And I hate me for telling you I hate it.

Here. I'll make it a love letter.

I love you.

Sean  
________________________________________

__________  
Date: Sat, 06 Apr 2002 00:49:05 +0200  
To: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
From: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

  
Sean!!!

Here you go making ME promise not to be sad and then you go and write such sad stuff that you MAKE me cry and feel terrible.

It's all your fault.

You did it.

You have to fix it.

Please. Come here and fix it.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

E.

P.S. the part about smelling me all over your hands was SO fucking hot! And I refuse to believe you didn't know it. Come on, baby. Fess up. You knew I'd melt when I read that.

I STILL WANT MY LOVE LETTER, YOU WANKER!  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2002 13:14:01 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

I have NO time. Have to run. But, I must tell you.

>It's all your fault.  
>You did it.

You've got this love letter shit down pat. I shall study at the feet of the Master.

;-)

Back later.

Sean...

Oh! P.S. I had no IDEA you'd melt when you read that.

But.. I'm glad if you did.  
______________________________________________  
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2002 20:16:13 +0200  
To: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
From: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

You were supposed to come back. And you still didn't come here and fix me and you still didn't write me a love letter.

And I'm going to go cry.  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2002 21:24:34 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

Oh shit. Lij, Jesus, I'm sorry. I just got home. I got hung up. Why the hell do you have your cell phone turned off?

You've got me worried. Please don't cry. Tell me you were kidding.

No.. better yet.. turn on your fucking cell phone!! It's the only number I have.

Lij.. call me. Don't care how late it is.. call me.

ILY  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2002 22:23:06 +0200  
To: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
From: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

No. Won't turn on cell phone.

Not 'till I get my love letter.

And, no. Wasn't kidding. Did SO cry!

All your fault.

You did it.

You have to fix it.

;-)

Nah. I didn't cry. But I won't turn on the cell phone 'till I get my love letter.

I feel bad tho. Hope you come back and read email. Don't be worried. It's ok.

I love you, Sean.

E.  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2002 22:43:14 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

SA << big sigh.

OK. Leave your cell phone off.

But.. I'm not sure I know how to write a love letter.

I'm glad you didn't cry. I don't ever want you to cry.

I love you too.  
___________________________________________________

Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 00:34:12 +0200  
To: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
From: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

> But.. I'm not sure I know how to write a love letter.

Sure you do.

> I don't ever want you to cry.

That's not a bad start.

>I love you too.

That one's a must.

Actually, the first email you wrote me wasn't a bad love letter. (Esp. the part about smelling me on your hands. I'm still melting over that one. Hallmark should put it on a card!) It was just too fucking SAD!

Maybe.. maybe I should write YOU a love letter. Then you'd get the picture.

Are you SURE you went to college? What did they TEACH you there?

;-)

I love you... and beginning to miss you more than I can bear.

E.  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 09:22:05 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

G'Morning, Doodle.

Yes. I think you're right. You're SO wise and gifted. Why don't more people notice that? I'm sure if you wrote ME a love letter I'd finally get the drift.

What did they teach me in college? That putting things in writing can get you into a shit load of trouble.

>and beginning to miss you more than I can bear.

Good!

Sean  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 09:34:13 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

Uh.. by the way.

I love you.

A lot.

And.

Where's my love letter?

Sean  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 09:38:24 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

And..

Miss you.

And

Where's my love letter?  
___________________________________________________

Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 23:15:06 +0200  
To: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
From: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

Hi, Baby...

Just got home and I'm totally exhausted. Shot for over 15 hours and none of it was any fun.

Actually, you write a damned great love letter. Sitting there looking at my coffee cup and half eaten eggs and wanting me to walk into the room.. that's Class A love letter material. Problem is.. it breaks my heart.

Just like the stuff about smelling me on your hands. Classic. You should get some kind of love letter Oscar. But it has the same problem. It breaks my fucking heart.

Do love letters have to be sad? I don't know. Seems like ours are. And its weird because when we're together all we do is laugh.

But I've got the same problem you had with the very first email you sent me. If I start talking about all the things I love about you. I'll feel so lousy and so lonely for you that I'll never sleep because the ache in me will be too deep to let me sleep. Then I'll just lay here thinking about you and the ache will get deeper and hurt more.. and next thing you'll know I'll be on a plane, flying as fast as I can to get to you, and get fired.

Hey! There may be an 'up' side to this after all. I could get FIRED! I could get fired, and come home, and you'd be there, and you'd give me about a million kisses (all the while saying: "Lij, you shouldn't have left that way! Yada yada), and I'd jump up in your arms like I did to Orli that time, and you'd carry me off to bed. And then.. and then...

Aw fuck.

I'm going to think about this getting fired thing more.

And I'm going to turn my cell phone on. You hear? You hear?

And.. I miss you so much that I think I want to die.

E.  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 02:43:44 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

Sweet baby..

I'm glad we got to talk. Hearing your voice from so far away is hard on me, but, weirdly, it's also good for me. Touches a place inside me that's been hollow. I don't feel so lost now. I've got a handle on you now. I've got you in my hands. And if I don't let go I won't go back to feeling that empty inside. I can still hear your voice. I'd kind of lost that somehow. Probably from thinking about it too much. I won't lose you again.

I'm glad you decided not to get fired. Actually.. initially I thought it was a pretty good plan. But, you were right to remember that PJ wouldn't like you getting that kind of publicity. And, it's only a couple more weeks. We can stand anything for that long, can't we?

Jeez, Lij. I keep thinking about New Zealand. How it was for me there. I know you're far away in Vancouver. But it's nothing compared to how far away from me you felt in New Zealand at times.. even though you were right there beside me! I wouldn't let myself be 'near' you. I don't mean physically near. You WERE near me physically. But near. Close. Intimate. I kept you at a distance. Scared to death of how I felt about you.

Now.. you could be on the fucking moon and I'd still be able to feel close to you. Like I do right now. The fear's all gone now. I'm glad I feel the way I do about you. Wouldn't change any of it... except that I wish I had wised up a bit sooner and spared you so much grief.

I won't lie. It's hard not to be able to touch you. I miss it more than I thought I would.. or could. Felt pretty stupid about it at first.. like a 15 year old pining for his lost love. But then I decided to give myself a break. Yeah.. I've got this really big hunger to touch you. To feel you in my arms. To kiss you. Really big. Very big. Takes my breath away big. Makes me ache all over big.

But I know I will. I know I WILL! You'll be here. I'll be holding you. I'll feel you breathing against my face. I'll hear you say my name. I'll feel that gorgeous month on mine. It'll all happen. And soon too!

In New Zealand I had the very same hunger for you. Hurt every bit as much. But I believed with all my heart that I'd NEVER get to touch you. And, furthermore, that lightning would strike me and I'd die if I ever did. And I felt that way for month after endless month. On and on. I thought it would never end.

So doing two more weeks.. knowing it's all going to happen. Knowing I'll have you close to me again soon. It's a piece of cake.

Well, maybe not a piece of cake. But I can do it. And so can you.

Is this a love letter, sweet baby? I guess maybe it is. I know I love you. I know I'll never stop loving you. I know I believe in you and I. Truly I do.

Please, baby. Leave your cell phone on. Being able to hear your voice makes everything feel at least 50% better. Email is too.. I dunno. It's like vapor. Mist. Your voice is real. It's physical. It appeals to the blatant sensualist in me.

I'll write you love letters every day. But please.. let me hear your voice too. OK?

I love you, Elijah. I love you. I love you. And right now, in my mind and heart, I'm giving you the sweetest, softest kiss you've ever had.

Sean  
___________________________________________________

Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 11:15:06 +0200  
To: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
From: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

Yes, my beloved Seanie, that's a love letter. I can tell because I don't know whether to laugh from pure joy or cry myself senseless when I read it.

You relate so much of what you feel to New Zealand. And it's so odd to me to hear you talk about how distant you kept me. I never felt that. I never felt that you pushed me away from you. I never felt a distance between us. To me, you were always my Seanie. You were always there. You never turned away from me. I felt closer to you than I ever had to anyone.. right from the first day. And that never changed.. still hasn't changed.  
You were so scared of what might happen that I don't think you fully realized, at times, what WAS happening. You've never been anything except kind, devoted, and completely loving to me. Never.

I'm going to save your love letter, baby. And every time I start feeling as though I'm going to go crazy if I can't touch you or hear your voice in my ear.. I'll read it. It'll give me something to focus on besides how miserable I am without you.

Oooooooooooh no! I feel so lousy. I feel so bad. Can't have this.

Got to lighten up! A Seanless life is bad enough but can't go through it being a bullshit ridden, inane, stupid, no-sense-of-humor wanker!

I hate this film. I want New Zealand. I want Hobbiton and Bree. I want Rivendel. I want orcs, and elves and dwarfs and cave trolls. I want Boromir to be alive again and I want to watch Orli nancing on the snow and I want YOU to be lugging me all over New Zealand on your back because PJ can't find the right spot for the shot. And.. and .. and.. I want Dom and Billy and Viggo and IAN! OOOOO! I REALLY want Ian. (will that make him jealous??) And.. and.. I want John and I want .. want.. I want Sam.

Oh damn. Oh god. Now I'm REALLY sad. I want Sam. I shouldn't have thought of Sam. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did I have to think of Sam?

I better call you. I won't get through this night without hearing your voice.

Gonna send this anyway. Is this a love letter?

Elijah loves you. Elijah loves Sean. Lijah loves Seanie. Frodo loves you too. Frodo loves Sam. Frodo wants Sam with him. Frodo is going to go nuts if Sam doesn't come here and snuggle him.

Frodo is so fucked.

Gonna call.  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 03:12:11 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

I'm glad you called, sweet baby. And, yeah. It was a love letter. They're all love letters, Lij. How could they be anything else when it's you and I who are writing them?

I hope you feel better now. I know it's hard to be so far away and to feel so alone. But you're never far away from me. If you don't have your cell phone on set.. take your beeper. You can always send me an 'ILY'. And I can send it back. Just keep counting the days down. It won't be much longer now.

And, no. Of course I don't think you're crazy for wanting Sam.. for missing him. Do you think he doesn't miss his Frodo? There's a very weird part of me that I'm not very proud of that's glad you miss me as much as you do. That's glad you don't want a Seanless life.

I suppose I should be more adult about it. Or more mature at least. Smack you around and tell you that you'll be fine without me. But, fuck it. I don't WANT you to be fine without me. I know I'm not fine without you. I DO without you because that's the way it is right now. But like it? Want more of it? Think it's OK? No.

Call me later if you want to. I'll be here. Not going anywhere tonight.. though Dom might be here after while.

After wading through all the Sam's and Frodo's and Seanie's and Lijah's and throwing bodies left and right to get to the bottom of the pile.. I found us. Finally. Sean and Elijah. There we were. Still in love. Still wanting to be together. And still wondering if this is a love letter.

Giving you a huge hug and a very soft kiss.

I love you, Doodle.

Sean.  
___________________________________________________

Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 22:43:24 +0200  
To: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
From: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

Well, you won't be getting email for awhile either. We're leaving tomorrow to do some location shots and won't be back for a few days. I'll leave the cell phone on but I don't know how good the reception's going to be. God, I'm so tired.

I'm feeling totally crappy and totally lonely. But.. I gotta tell you.. I absolutely adored the last paragraph of your love letter… and yeah.. it is… was.. is.. a love letter.

You found us, huh? At the bottom of the pile. Down there under all the voices that are constantly talking inside us, to us, to each other. I can just see you throwing bodies left and right trying to find us. But when you take everything else away there's still Sean and Elijah isn't there? Nothing really shakes that does it? No. I find that so reassuring. Still in love. Yes.

You shouldn't feel bad for being glad that I miss you and all. Love wouldn't be worth much if it didn't have all the feelings in it the happy ones and the sad ones too. If you didn't give a damn if you ever saw me again there wouldn't be much passion there would there. And there is passion. So much that I can't bear to think about it.

I have to NOT think about Sam though. It's like.. when I'm scared or lonely I immediately turn into Frodo and I want him so much. It's weird.. and you're gonna laugh… but I think missing him is harder than missing you at times. How could THAT be?

I'll try to call you. I hope I can. If not.. I may not be in touch much 'till I get home. I have to try to be happy. At least a little bit. And so do you my sweet Seanie. My sweet Seanie that I love so much.

If I think about you holding me maybe I'll be able to sleep.

Nite, baby.

E.  
___________________________________________________  
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 01:15:11 +0200  
To: Elijah <woode@newline.at.com>  
From: Sean <seana@newline.at.com>  
Subject: Love letter...

Just got off the phone with you. Well at least I know you'll be home by next weekend. I've got that to think about. And even though I doubt that you'll get back to read this before you come home I wanted you to have it. Maybe you can read it when you get back.

So I get to think about next week. My baby's coming home next week. In a few days I'll have you in my arms. And a short time (I hope) after that, I'll have you in my bed. Jesus, I can't begin to imagine what that's going to feel like. I just know that thinking about it takes my breath away and convinces me that I don't dare stand up.

By the time you read this we'll be apart again. Right now I'm anticipating the reunion that, for you, is already a memory. But all the love that you felt while we were together, all the love that I'm going to be giving you as soon as you get here, is as much yours now as it was, and will be when I finally get my arms around you.

Just think about it, sweetie. Think right now. For me, it hasn't happened yet. But I already know how it's going to feel. It'll be wonderful. Wasn't it wonderful? And won't it be wonderful?

This time. Next time. Every time. Forever.

Yes. This is a love letter.

I love you.

Sean.


End file.
